Assertiveness: how to say no and set boundaries without guilt

A friend asks to borrow money for the third time this year. You have not been paid back for the first two. You say yes, change the subject, and feel annoyed for the rest of the evening.

Psychologists call the missing skill assertiveness: saying what you want, what you think and what you will not accept, in a way that also respects the other person. Assertiveness training grew out of behaviour therapy. In 1958 Joseph Wolpe described assertive responses as a way to reduce anxiety in social situations, and in 1970 Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons turned the idea into a self-help book, Your Perfect Right.

Four areas in our test

Our assertiveness scale has 16 statements, four for each of four areas. You answer each on a five-point scale from strongly disagree to strongly agree. We wrote the statements ourselves, loosely inspired by the 30-item schedule Spencer Rathus published in 1973, so this is a self-reflection tool, not a validated questionnaire.

Expressing Opinions asks whether you say what you think, in a meeting or when you disagree with someone. Setting Boundaries is about refusing requests and making clear what is and is not acceptable to you. Standing Up for Rights covers the practical moments, such as returning a faulty product or asking for money you are owed. Social Confidence is about everyday ease with people, from talking to a stranger to accepting a compliment.

Five of the statements describe the opposite of assertive behaviour, for example "I stay silent when I disagree to avoid conflict." Agreeing with those lowers your score in that area.

Why saying no is hard

The Setting Boundaries area includes the statement "I agree to things I do not want to do so as not to upset someone." Refusing someone you like can feel like putting the relationship at risk, but a yes you resent has a cost too, and it tends to show later.

In 1975 Manuel Smith described the "broken record" technique in his book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. You repeat a short, calm refusal without adding a new reason each time, because every new reason gives the other person something to argue with.

A clear refusal usually has three parts: a short acknowledgement, the refusal itself, and an alternative only if you really mean to offer one. "I can see you are in a tight spot. I cannot lend money again. I can sit down with you on Sunday and look at your budget."

Assertive is not the same as forceful

A low score is no reason to become tougher. In 2007 Daniel Ames and Francis Flynn asked colleagues to rate managers and found that both too little and too much assertiveness hurt how people saw them as leaders. Managers low in assertiveness got fewer things done; managers high in it damaged their working relationships. The middle range did best.

The goal is a firm statement that leaves the other person's dignity intact, as in the test statement "I can refuse a request when I do not have time for it."

Reading your profile

Look at the gaps between the four areas. Someone can speak up easily in meetings and still agree to every favour a friend asks. Someone else can return a faulty product without a second thought and go quiet when a colleague takes credit for their work. Your lowest area is usually the best place to practise, because small situations in it come up every week.

Start with low-stakes cases, such as sending back a cold meal or suggesting a different meeting time. Each one that goes fine gives you something real to draw on next time.

For the four ways people say what they want, read assertive, passive, aggressive or manipulative or take the communication style test. If agreeing to everything is an old habit, the post on people-pleasing and how to defuse it looks at where it comes from.