Autonomy in relationships: staying yourself while staying close

Think of the last time you changed a plan because of someone close to you. Maybe you were glad to, because what they wanted mattered to you. Maybe you did it because saying no felt like it would cost too much. From the outside the two look the same. Psychologists who study autonomy treat them as very different.

Autonomy is not independence

In self-determination theory, developed by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, autonomy means acting from your own will: doing things you agree with and stand behind, even when someone else asked for them. In a 2000 paper Deci and Ryan described it as one of three basic psychological needs, next to competence (feeling capable) and relatedness (feeling connected to others).

Ryan and Deci have repeatedly separated autonomy from independence. Independence means not relying on other people. Autonomy is about whether your actions feel like your own. You can rely on a partner for a lot and still feel completely free, and you can live alone and feel that your choices are set by other people's expectations.

What our test asks

Our Autonomy in Relationships test has 10 statements, five for each of two scores. We wrote them ourselves based on self-determination theory, so this is a self-reflection tool, not one of the validated questionnaires used in that research. You rate each statement on a five-point scale from strongly disagree to strongly agree.

Self-autonomy is about your own sense of choice, for example "I make my own decisions without waiting for others' approval" and "I feel free to be myself, even when others do not understand". Relational autonomy is about how free you feel with the people close to you, for example "The people who matter to me respect my decisions, even when they disagree" and "In my close relationships I feel I can express my true opinion".

All ten statements point the same way, so agreeing with everything raises both scores. Answer each one on its own, and look at your single answers as well as the two totals.

Feeling free and feeling close go together

In 2000 Jennifer La Guardia, Richard Ryan, Charles Couchman and Edward Deci asked people about their relationships with several important figures, such as their mother, father, partner and best friend. The same person felt more securely attached in the relationships where their needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness were better met. Feeling free with someone went together with feeling safe with them.

A 2006 study of close friendships by Deci and colleagues looked at both directions. Receiving support for your own choices was linked to better relationship quality and wellbeing, and so was giving that support to a friend.

Reading your two scores

High on both usually means you feel like yourself and feel that the people close to you make room for that. High self-autonomy with lower relational autonomy often means you hold on to your own choices but feel you have to defend them, or that saying what you really think costs something in a relationship. The reverse pattern can mean the people around you would back you, but you still wait for permission before deciding.

Many people think of one person while answering. If you did, your relational score describes that one relationship, not all of them. If you often feel pressured, controlled or afraid to say what you think with a partner, take that seriously. The post on recognising toxic relationships covers the warning signs, and a psychologist can help you sort out what is happening.

If you tend to say yes to keep the peace, the People-Pleasing Test looks at that habit directly. For the patterns you bring into closeness, read how attachment style affects your relationships.