Jealousy in a relationship: when a normal feeling becomes a problem

Your partner laughs a little too long at a stranger's joke at a party. For a moment you feel a sting. On the way home the feeling is gone, or it turns into questions, a search through their social media, and a cold evening. Both reactions are called jealousy, but they have very different effects on a relationship.

Our Relationship Jealousy Test asks how often the second kind of reaction shows up. It is an educational tool and not a diagnosis.

Three parts of jealousy

In 1989 the psychologists Susan Pfeiffer and Paul Wong proposed that jealousy has three components and built a questionnaire, the Multidimensional Jealousy Scale, to measure them separately.

Emotional jealousy is the feeling itself: unease, hurt or anger when a rival seems to come close. Cognitive jealousy is suspicious thinking, such as wondering whether your partner is interested in someone else or picturing scenes that have not happened. Behavioural jealousy is what you do about it, for example checking messages, asking where your partner was, or turning up unannounced.

Pfeiffer and Wong treated the emotional reaction to a real threat as common and understandable. The suspicious thoughts and the checking, which can appear without any threat at all, were the parts they linked to trouble in the relationship. So when you look at your own jealousy, what you think and do after the sting tells you more than whether you feel it at all.

What our test asks

We wrote the 10 statements ourselves, based on Pfeiffer and Wong's three components, so this is a self-reflection tool, not a validated questionnaire. For each statement you choose how often it happens, from never through rarely, sometimes and often to nearly always. All answers count towards one jealousy score.

The statements cover all three parts. "I wonder whether my partner is interested in someone else" is about thoughts. "I feel a pang of unease when my partner laughs with someone attractive" is about feelings. "I analyse who my partner talks to, whose posts they like and who they follow" is about behaviour. Others ask about comparing yourself with your partner's exes and needing frequent reassurance.

When jealousy becomes a problem

A low or medium score usually means jealousy appears now and then and passes. A high score means suspicious thoughts, checking or the need for reassurance happen often. The score describes your answers, and it cannot tell you whether your worries about a specific person are justified.

Jealousy is worth a closer look when it takes up a lot of your time, when you check on your partner even though you have no reason to, or when it has spoiled many good moments. It often grows from insecurity about yourself or from earlier experiences of being let down, and the attachment style test can show whether fear of being left plays a part.

Consider talking to a psychologist or couples therapist if jealousy keeps leading to arguments, if you cannot stop checking, or if it comes with constant anxiety or low mood. The same applies if you are on the other side. When a partner's jealousy turns into control, such as demands for your passwords, limits on whom you may see, or threats, it is a matter for your safety, and you should talk to someone you trust or to a professional.

To read more about how early bonds shape adult relationships, see the post on how attachment style affects your relationships. If trust is the issue in your relationship, try the relationship trust test, and read about recognising toxic relationships.